Logic isn’t everything

Snoopy-writing

Automatic writing is the process of allowing your thoughts and feelings to flow out onto the page with as little conscious thought, and maybe most importantly, as little judgement, as possible. It’s a really useful process for discovering deeper thoughts and feelings, and trying to answer some of the big questions in life, like what’s my purpose? why do I care so much about what others think? what’s truly important to me?

A while ago I talked about morning pages, where you write three pages first thing in the morning every day to try to clear your mind before the day starts. Recently I’ve been experimenting with different times of day, locations and ways to write truly automatically. It’s not always easy when your thinking, logical mind is desperate to take over!

I thought I’d share some ideas of methods that might make automatic writing easier, though of course the process is different for everyone, and I guess sometimes it might just be writing more frequently whenever and wherever that finally helps to reach deeper emotions.

snoopynightwriting1. Time of day

I’ve found that, for me, writing in the evening seems to be more effective than writing first thing in the morning. From the moment I wake up I already find myself thinking pretty logically, so I can much more easily get to my emotions in the evenings.

2. Sleep on it

Reading or writing something you want to think/write automatically about just before you go to sleep can give your subconscious time to think it over in your sleep. This can be combined with then writing morning pages, though I sometimes think of things in the night and scribble them down in a notebook on my bedside table.

3. The great outdoors

Writing outdoors, in open space, maybe out in the countryside, sometimes helps me.

4. All the time in the world

Writing with hours of free time ahead of you can help to free your mind from thinking about time constraints to writing.

5. Provoke your emotions

I find that writing in answer to provocative prompts helps me to get to deeper feeling and emotions. Pose yourself controversial, biased or critical questions to bring your true feelings out.

6. Make use of existing emotions

I only recently realised how freely and automatically I can write when at work -I think the boredom and frustration leads to letting other thoughts and emotions out.

7. Music

I’ve also tried writing with music on, it probably depends on what you’re listening to, but music can bring up strong feelings.

 

SnoopyGive automatic writing a try – just keep writing, whatever rubbish you feel you’re scribbling on the page, write fast and with as little thought as possible. You can extract the deeper meaning and logic from your ramblings later.

Remember, it’s not about judgement, it’s about getting to your truth, not what you think sounds right or normal or good, but what’s real for you. I think it’s working for me.

Being vulnerable is hard

I recently read Daring Greatly, and it’s central message is so powerful: We all need to learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, and actually properly, openly talk about things. Effective and open communication is so important and something I value really highly. I’ve been in my job 6 months and still haven’t had any kind of progress meeting with my boss, who barely gives me any feedback on my work. No wonder I’m so disengaged and spend close to half my time surfing the web (this is definitely not something I’m proud of).

daringgreatlyDare to enter the arena

(Daring greatly, by Brené Brown)

There’s so much great stuff in this book so I’m just going to pick out a few of the many points that really stood out to me. Essentially it’s a study of shame and vulnerability, and well worth a read.

Vulnerability hangovers – oh how I can relate to these! When you have a really honest and open conversation with someone, then sometime later completely regret opening up. “What was I thinking?” “What will they think of me?” “I can’t ever take that back!”

The contradiction – As Brené says, we love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we’re afraid to let them see it in us. “Vulnerability is courage in you but inadequacy in me. I’m drawn to your vulnerability but repelled by mine.

Defining shame – Guilt = I did something bad. Humiliation = I didn’t deserve that. Embarrassment = collective emotion that will pass. Shame = I am bad/ I am unworthy. Shame’s the one we have to watch.

Brené’s prayer before anything important:

Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.

I haven’t been very good at vulnerability in the past, but I want to change that. Being vulnerable isn’t easy. It’s really difficult and not at all comfortable. But it’s worth it.

When it’s time to leave

chickencrappyjobI’m leaving my job. I’ve set the date, written my resignation letter and stopped worrying about anything anyone mentions that’s happening next year.

Katie over at Ask the Young Professional inspired me to write this post by her response to my comment on 3 signs it’s time for a new job. I completely agree with Katie’s 3 signs it’s time for a new job, though I have a few more reasons why I know it’s time for me to move on, namely boredom (I guess this fits in with Katie’s first point about not being challenged), colleagues I just don’t click with and, very importantly, I feel completely inauthentic – the job has no meaning for me and, quite frankly, life’s too short.

So my decision to leave wasn’t at all difficult. I’d have left a good few weeks ago, when I came to this realisation, if it wasn’t for 3 logical reasons: a) It would look bad on my CV b) It would annoy my boss and c) As much as I hate it, it is giving me the time, space and income to work out my next step. The only one of those reasons that my authentic self remotely agrees with is c, so I’m struggling everyday, but part of me knows it has to be done.

I’ll be out of there by Christmas, for a fresh start in the New Year. The challenge now is to make sure I have the right next step lined up. But I believe that sometimes you just have to make that jump and take that risk. I’m certain that leaving is the right choice – I have no doubts about that. But what to do and where to go next? Well I’m still working on that one, with 4 months to get it sorted. That’s ages right? And anyway, I like a challenge.

Sometimes the logical decision is tough to deal with day-to-day. Maybe I’d have been one of those kids who ate their marshmallow as soon as the psychologist left the room during that delayed gratification experiment. Then again there’s a massive difference between holding back from a good experience (eating a marshmallow) and coping with a bad experience (my job). It is going to be worth it. I’m going to make sure of that.

Personality patterns

I’ve just read a well-known book on a personality assessment closely associated with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and it’s made me realise just how important it is to accept people as they are without trying to change them to be like ourselves. It’s also made me realise how differently people think, and I hope will help me to understand and accept in future when I don’t get the responses or encouragement I’d like.

To me, understanding people seems so key to everything. And it’s just fascinating. Whether you agree with the Myers-Briggs typing and Keirsey’s Temperament Sorter (explained below) or not, recognising different attitudes and values is important in all areas of life, from career to relationships. I think everyone should read this book – though I do accept that my ‘type’ might make me more interested in this topic than others are!

PUM2I’ll just be me and you can be you

(Please understand me 2: temperament, character, intelligence – by David Keirsey)

So in parts the book is a little bit repetitive and a little bit stereotypical, but only because the author wants each chapter to be understandable when read in isolation and because stereotyping is the clearest way to make his points.

Rather than focussing specifically on each of the 16 Myers-Briggs personality types, the book focuses on the 4 main groups of types, which Keirsey came up with based on Myers-Briggs and earlier research (hope I don’t lose anyone here, if you’ve never read up on the Myers-Briggs personality types here’s a great place to start: Personality Page). The 4 groups are Artisan, Guardian, Idealist and Rationalist (described here: The Keirsey Temperament Sorter).

I’m an Idealist and can completely relate to this general description. I’m also almost certain I’d class as an introvert and perceiving rather than judging, however I can relate to parts of the descriptions for the other types of Idealist too. What’s most important to me is accepting myself as in the general category of Idealist and understanding myself in relation to those around me.

Career is a big issue for me right now, and this book has really helped to shed light on why I feel so unhappy and inauthentic in my current job and why this bothers me so much. It’s also given me some really interesting career ideas and taught me that I do have something unique to offer that many others don’t. I feel like I’m getting a clearer picture of who I am and who I want to be.

Of course personality types can’t explain everything, but the Myers-Briggs system and Keirsey’s Temperament Sorter do seem to be pretty accurate and well-respected. Even when simply used as an insight into preferences and relationships, they’re a great place to start in exploring and accepting differences.

What is authenticity? Who am I?!

These are the questions I’ve been thinking about recently, but where to even start?

what-if-and-why-notDara over at Good at Life has dedicated this month as Authenticity August and it’s great to read her insights and advice and be inspired (I’d really recommend you take a look if you haven’t come across her blog before). One of her first posts of the month talks about letting go of what people think, and until recently I didn’t realise quite how much I struggle with this.

Often if I have an idea I’ll test it out with others, mention it in conversation, looking for confirmation that it ‘fits’ with who other people think I am, that it’s something they encourage and could see me doing. I shouldn’t be doing this. I think we should listen to others, because it’s important to know how we come across to other people and there are often truths in how others see us. But I don’t think we should ever let this dictate our actions or hold us back. We shouldn’t be looking for approval, only insights to help us to come to our own conclusions and enable us to make our own decisions.

Following a job interview where I was asked “what 3 words would family and friends use to describe you?” I decided to actually ask 3 family members to answer this question. After getting pretty positive answers I also asked them for 3 ‘negative’ words to describe me. Sometimes our ‘weaknesses’ can actually reveal our biggest strengths. The answers provided an interesting insight into how I come across to others, and most of them I’d agree with, at least to a certain extent, though some I think only apply in certain contexts.

Authenticity is accepting the good and the bad, strengths and weaknesses, but it’s not about immediately accepting the opinions of others as facts about ourselves and our characteristics. I guess the opinions of others are actually a pretty good insight into how authentic we’re being – how much the way we act reflects our values and who we truly feel we are.

wavesofdoubtauthenticself

I recently attended a meet-up group to discuss personality types. I’ve always found this sort of thing interesting but meeting and learning about the different types was just fascinating.

I’d always thought my type was INFP but, never having done an official Myers-Briggs test, I spoke to some knowledgeable members of the group about this, and was surprised at the suggestion that I could possibly be an ENFP as these types are very close. I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert, and after some more thought I’m almost certain I am, but it’s surprising how much influence your environment can have on who you think you are.

Maybe we’re not necessarily who we’ve grown up to believe we are. We might have to dig a little deeper to find our true authentic selves.

For a more full and detailed explanation of authenticity have a look at what Kevin Rafferty has to say: What is authenticity? and Connecting to your authentic self