Should to could to want to would

nevertoolate

A post by Beautiful Nothingness got me thinking, this quote in particular stood out:

“The more time you spend thinking about where you should be, what you should be doing and who you should be doing it with, the more disappointed you will be with your life. When you finally start concentrating on what you WANT out of life, and the things that need to change for you to get what you want, the closer you get to true happiness and overcoming your quarterlife crisis.”

I’d like to add a couple more verbs to the equation.

The way I see it, should implies external expectations. Should is negative and disempowering. Should is about what other people expect of you and not what you want for yourself.

The first step forward is to change should to could. Could suggests possibilities, options and freedom. You could follow expectations but you could pick your own alternatives.

Would means starting to think realistically and solidly. But would comes up with excuses (would if…) and would can be vague and lack conviction (would like).

Then comes want – it can be selfish and demanding but it’s authentic and purposeful. Want signifies control. Want is as decisive as could is indecisive.

So when you next find yourself thinking I should make this particular choice, I should already have done this, I should be like this, first say I could make this choice, I could have done this, I could become like this (or I could choose otherwise). Let go of expectations and give yourself options. Then explore your reasoning and sound out your excuses, I would choose this if…, I would already have done this if…, I would become like this if…. But focus on solutions instead of problems. Then, most importantly, ask what do I want? And then you choose. I want to make this choice, I want to do this next time, I want to be like this in future.

Life’s not about shoulds or woulds; it’s about wants and coulds.

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Looks like I’ve joined the rat race

pjworkingjpeg

I started a new job last Monday. I’ve put off writing about it due to some initial uncertainties but I’ve come to the realisation that, whatever happens, taking it was definitely the right decision and a positive step forward.

I’d had an interview the week before – a very awkward affair involving going out for lunch with the three members of staff, before an interview back at the office during which I downplayed my skills on purpose in an effort not to get offered the job. Yeah, not sure what went wrong there either.. (And note to anyone in charge of conducting interviews: Having lunch with applicants, no matter how well-intentioned, is definitely not the best way to relax a potential employee before an interview.)

This is really what inspired my last, rather drastic, post about emotion/fear versus intuition. My intuition told me I didn’t feel very comfortable with the people, and I was coming up with all sorts of reasons why this job was another wrong choice and I should do something totally different, but after giving myself some time to think I realised that it was my emotions talking and I had nothing to lose. They wanted me to start straight away and said I can give it a try for a few months and see how it goes – the perfect offer for a commitment-phobe like me!

Before I started I was thinking that I’d do it for two months and that would be it – I’d carry on looking for the ‘right’ job and this was just another good bit of experience, but just over a week in and, dare I say it, it’s actually going quite well so far.

I dislike the 9 to 5, but I don’t yet dread it. There are some things that could be better about the job, but there are many things that could be a lot worse. It’s informal, there’s variety, and it relates to some of my interests (and there’s no uniform! Though sadly no working from home in my pajamas either).

One thing that really does scare me though is how fast a working week passes. And how much faster the weekend goes. I can see how easy it would be to get stuck in a full time job, feeling like there’s no time to look for alternatives and gain other experience, and letting the weeks, months, even years, speed by. But I’m determined not to let that happen. This job is just the start.

Life isn’t about living without regrets, it’s about learning to live with them

I recently read a post that referred to American motivational author Louise Hay and her 12 commandments on loving yourself. Now I’m not one for over the top self help, but one ‘commandment’ really stood out to me, it’s something I’ve been told in the past that I really needed to hear and always need to remember:

Forgive Yourself.

Let the past go. You did the best you could at the time with the understanding, awareness, and knowledge that you had. Now you are growing and changing, and you will live life differently.

I just think this is so important and completely paramount to being content with life. People talk about ‘living without regrets’ and ’embracing every opportunity’, but in reality we’re going to make mistakes, miss opportunities and, at least temporarily, regret things. I think the key message here shouldn’t be about living with no regrets, but learning to live with our regrets, accept them and move on.

Regret: A feeling of sadness, repentance or disappointment over something that has happened or been done. You can’t just remove feelings of sadness or disappointment from your life – you can’t truly live with no regrets – but you can choose to move on.

regretpaths

Now I do love a good TED talk, and it hasn’t taken much searching to come across this one, which shares some of my thoughts. I’ve definitely had multiple emotional meltdowns over regrets in the past, and as Kathryn Schulz says, regret is painful.

Kathryn talks about the components of regret, and the one that hits home for me is bewilderment, the ‘what was I thinking?!’, the alienation from the part of us that made that particular decision, and the lack of empathy for that part of ourselves.

She reminds us that, just like her tattoo, some of our own regrets are also not as ugly as we think they are, and she says that if we have goals and dreams, and if we want to do our best, we should feel pain when things go wrong. The point isn’t to live without any regrets, the point is not to hate ourselves for having them.

Why career-hunting is just like house-hunting

oldnewhouseI feel like this blog has become a little too idealistic, so I want to bring it back to reality. Sometimes you need to work for money so that you can have your independence, do the things you want to do in your spare time and plan for your future, and, temporarily, that’s ok. If I can just find a reasonable full time stop gap job sometime soon, hopefully, I’ll be happy, and it doesn’t mean that I’ve given up on finding work I think is really great, it just means I’m doing what I can to get by while I’m searching for that great job (or those great jobs – still quite like the idea of a portfolio career…).

As Kirsty Allsopp says on Location, Location, Location (yes I have far too much time on my hands), when house hunting your aim is to find your, what she calls, ‘forever family home’ in as few steps as possible, because moving house is a pain: it’s expensive and time consuming. I like to think career hunting is just the same in that you want to find that great job that suits you so well in as few job changes as possible, because moving from job to job is a pain, and you don’t want to be unhappy for too long in a job that doesn’t fit with who you are and how you want to spend your time.

People can’t afford to buy that perfect house straight away, and they’re not ready to anyway, they might meet a new partner, have (more) children, get a job in a different area, find another part of town they’d prefer to live in. It’s only by experience that they can work out where they want to commit to. And it’s the same with work, very few people will stumble upon their ideal career path early on in their lives, they need to build up experience and find out what’s out there before they’ll find the best fit.

So I haven’t given up on that great job, but I have decided that right now settling is more important than searching, so fingers crossed an ok job comes up soon.

(And to make clear that I haven’t given up on the dream, Create a meaningful life through meaningful work highlights the three things a great job should be – important and meaningful a) in the long term, b) in the opinion of those whose opinion matters, and c) to you.)

The waiting game

waitingstarToday my great aunt gave me a box of chocolates she’d been saving until I got a proper job. She’d obviously given up waiting, and I can’t say I’m surprised, I’m pretty fed up with waiting myself.

Waiting for jobs I want to apply for, waiting for application deadlines to pass, waiting to hear back, waiting to attend interviews, waiting to hear back, waiting for the next opportunity.

This is the start of my career and while I realise that my first proper job isn’t going to be perfect, I also don’t want to settle for something that feels wrong. I don’t believe that my standards are too high, but I’ve been playing the waiting game for a long time now, and something needs to change soon. I don’t want to settle for a job that I have no enthusiasm for, and I don’t feel ready to resign myself to just any old office job just yet. I don’t want to lower my expectations just because that’s what’s expected. 

Essentially I’m struggling with the balance between satisfaction and idealism, compromise and dreaming big. Strive or settle?

Here’s a nice positive article on not giving up (some good comments too): Don’t let low expectations destroy your high hopes and big dreams.

And talking of waiting, my next book should arrive soon…

What do you want to be when you grow up?

cans and plansAbout a week ago I posted ‘Dream BIG’, so I’ve decided to take my own advice. When I was younger my dream was to become a children’s book illustrator – I should probably get back to drawing for there to be any chance of that happening! Here are my top 5 dream careers (in no particular order):

1. Science journalist

Always learning about new and interesting topics, getting to speak to and interview scientists about their work and then producing finished articles to be published. The down side? I’m a bit of a perfectionist and take criticism to heart.

2. Helicopter pilot

I very much enjoyed having a few gliding lessons and taking a ride in a hot air balloon – I think it’s the sense of perspective and beauty of being up so high. You could give people great experiences or work for the air ambulance service doing something really amazing. Unfortunately learning to fly a helicopter is extremely expensive and there aren’t many jobs around.

3. English as a foreign language teacher

Creative lesson planning, challenge and variety. You get to work with people and help them to learn something that could be really useful to them. The opportunity to travel is obviously also appealing, even if the thought of living and working abroad is a little scary.

4. Artist (of some description)

Who wouldn’t want their painting/photograph/installation on show in a gallery? I love seeing other peoples’ art and would definitely be proud if something I’d created was on display. But creative career paths are always difficult – you need both real talent and a lot of commitment.

5. Entrepreneur

Lie-ins, being your own boss, sense of freedom and control, ability to combine your interests, choose who you work with, when you work, where you work etc. etc. Though you are 100% responsible for your own income, and you need some sort of idea, and a lot of determination and motivation, to make things happen.

Well we’ve all got to have our dreams, haven’t we!

What are your dream jobs? Do you think you would enjoy them in reality?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

This TED talk explains in very blunt terms why most people will never have that great career… unless they get rid of the excuses.

And, on a lighter note, I’ve just come across this blog which is also pretty inspiring.

75 job titles that sound really dull (but you’re likely to end up with)

workmeme

After some careers-related googling (the job hunt continues!), I came across a list of the 100 most common jobs in the UK. I’m not sure how current or accurate the list is, but it’s interesting to look at the sector most of these seem to be related to: business, management, admin and office-based work.

And don’t they all sound really dull? Or is that just me? I’m sure some of them must be interesting… maybe I’m asking too much from a job, and maybe I simply understand so little about what most of these roles involve that I’m not in any position to comment, but there aren’t many job titles listed that I’d be interested in having.

Here’s the list, with any jobs not relating in some way to ‘business’ (i.e. those that actually sound interesting to me) highlighted in bold (the word manager is definitely over-used):

Manager, Project Manager, Teacher, Director, Accountant, Consultant, Administrator, Solicitor, Account Manager, PA, Office Manager, Analyst, Engineer, Sales Manager, Doctor, Software Engineer, Business Analyst, Managing Director, Personal Assistant, Marketing Manager, Operations Manager, IT Manager, General Manager, Software Developer, Accounts Assistant, Secretary, Team Leader, Business Development Manager, Developer, Graphic DesignerLecturerArchitect, HR Manager, Receptionist, Assistant Manager, Buyer, Design Engineer, Associate, Marketing Executive, Product Manager, Web Developer, Management Accountant, Programmer, Sales, Financial Controller, Finance Manager, Quantity SurveyorDesigner, Technician, Sales Director, Sales Assistant, Project EngineerElectricianPharmacist, Sales Executive, Marketing Assistant, Store Manager, Supervisor, Nurse, Recruitment Consultant, Production Manager, Lawyer, Senior Engineer, Dentist, GP, Account Executive, Web Designer, Driver, Senior Consultant, Social Worker, Assistant, Operations Director, CEO, Credit Controller, Senior Manager, Pilot, Plumber, Editor, Finance Director, Barrister, Mechanical Engineer, HR Advisor, Programme Manager, Assistant Accountant, Executive Assistant, Scientist, Estimator, Marketing Director, Vice President, Trader, Commercial Manager, Researcher, Trainer, Auditor, Technical Manager, HR Administrator, Graduate, Financial Analyst, Branch Manager, Area Manager (source: http://www.mysalary.co.uk/most-common-jobs.php)

Of course these job titles mean very little when you look at what the roles involve in different industries, yet my initial impression of most is 9-5 office-based business (profit) focused repetition. They could at least start by jazzing up job titles to make them sound like vaguely interesting roles to have!